So, we survived the first month!

Coincidentally, I decided after seeing some blogs I read change their design that I wanted to streamline this, and I like this simple format better – plus the font is small and makes posts seem more manageable.

Anyway, Oliver is 1 month old already. And boy I have learned a lot. Things I never thought I needed to know – such as Tesco brand nappies fit him much better than Huggies or Pampers and they cost less too. Or tactics to avoid the pee fountain at changing times. Or that a fresh diaper apparently needs to be filled with poo immediately. And newborn poo – it does whiff a bit, and it comes out like a shot…

Probably more importantly, I have learned to start to balance times when I need to be a bit selfish and times when I need to be completely selfless. I think this is very hard, and I am still learning – but really, it’s not that big a deal if I leave him fussing for a few minutes while I manage to grab some breakfast, right? And it’s impacting the bigger decisions – such as the move to supplement with formula, which has turned out to be right for both of us, I think.

I’ve also started to feel a bit more confident about making decisions that are right for us – and to ignore or put aside the propaganda that I was sent home with from the hospital. My son definitely does not have nipple confusion – in fact he more likely has nipple/teat/dummie/ thumb/finger addiction and has no problem switching between any of them. For now, combination feeding is working for us, and thanks to the reassurances of many people, I feel okay about this and I don’t even mind admitting that I am doing it as it turns out that normal people are not breastfeeding nazis and everyone has a different story about why it worked or didn’t for them. I so admire those people who are breastfeeding solely for long periods of time – but it’s turned out not to be us.

Actually, if there’s something that might put me off it completely, it’s Extraordinary Breastfeeding, being screened on Channel 4 on Wednesday night and the shot of the 7 year old on her mother’s lap. The social stigma is incredibly strong – so I sort of feel ‘good on you!’ and yet appalled at the same time…

At least if I can’t be an earth mother in that arena, I can now go ahead with our planned purchase of cloth nappies as he’s big enough to fit into them now. I’ve decided to go with Kushies, which are coincidentally Canadian but widely available and popular here. I can’t even believe how many diapers I have already added to the landfill just in the past month! So at least my conscience will be slightly cleaner with this move – hope we are happy with it. Mark has come a long way from the first conversation we had about this, when he flat out refused!

A present from his Grandad Willer – Oliver’s own website. I’m imagining he’s going to put his CV on it one day. I was hoping to post some video that his grandad took the other day on here – but I’m slightly confused as to what file format he’s sent it in on the CD so we will have to get back to you on that one.

Lots of firsts lately – first big road trip in the car yesterday, to go and see my grandmother, and then to Mark’s dad’s for his birthday for lunch afterwards. So here he is with Great Grandma Bowman – her 7th great grandchild, actually: Here’s too much detail for you – yesterday was also the first time I experienced true breast engorgement and yes Samantha you are right – it felt like implants! As he was sleeping so much in the car, and I was, um, ‘full’, I ended up using a breast pump in the car twice which I am sure made for some interesting comments from truckers if they managed to peek in.

Oliver is finally big enough for the Baby Bjorn carrier, so we’ve been using that in the last couple of days. This was the first time; Mark thought he was crushing him but he stays asleep in it so it can’t be that bad:

This child has been given 4 snowsuits – all of which have been much too big until now. But thankfully one that Magda, Mark’s old tenant, gave us back in October is sort of okay. Except when I put him in it for the first time today, I couldn’t stop laughing because he looked like Maggie Simpson in the starfish suit. This didn’t quite capture the hilarity of the moment:

It’s really cold today and we went out for a walk on the Downs so it came in useful even if it was too big for him.

I think we are on the brink of first real smiles. There was a morning earlier this week when Mark handed him back to me after he’d had him for a few hours, and he was hungry, and as soon as he saw my face he smiled. And Mark thinks he smiled at him at around 3 weeks old. But it doesn’t quite seem purposeful yet so I hestitate to record it in the baby book. He’ll be doing it soon though.

We’re not entirely there with a routine and regular sleeping and eating times – but we are having some good nights and some not so good nights. The fact that we are having some good nights is a godsend and is keeping me sane. I feel quite well rested after last night. A month ago I would have been complaining about the broken sleep and so few total hours – 6? – now it seems wonderful!

Only 1 month late, I managed to make Mark’s birthday cake this morning, and we ate it at his nan’s for lunch, along with his mum.

Turned out really well (despite the slight slope of the whole thing) – I used Nigella’s recipe for buttermilk birthday cake and an all purpose chocolate icing recipe that had rum in it (ooh, naughty).

It was a bit ambitious, but after a decent night’s sleep, managed to pull it off quickly before we went, and assembled it when we got there. And we have leftovers to eat with our thai take out tonight, so that’s good.

It’s a good food day all around as I have been munching on some Fuzzy Peaches this afternoon — thanks Sandy!!! Mmm snacks not available in the UK (as far as I have seen)…

Finally Oliver has met people from MY side of the family – my aunt and uncle came down from Derbyshire on Monday, and hopefully on Saturday we’re going to go and see my grandmother for a short visit. The only problem with the visit on Monday is that they were here until late – very late – and so sort of threw off my schedule as I should have been asleep already. I didn’t get much sleep that night, if any, so thankfully Mark tried to help out last night and let me get some rest.

We just got back from a brief visit to his mum’s but most importantly I actually drove there. I wanted to drive to the GP surgery so that I might feel confident enough to drive there on my own with Oliver and go the baby clinic/mum’s group that the health visitors run there. I also needed to go to the post office, but we found it closed. His mum told us that they’ve been robbed and a woman had a knife held to her throat! So much for this quiet rural life…

The health visitor weighed Oliver this morning and he’s gone up to 7lb 9oz which is great – he’s catching up to his centile line too. In normal speak, there is a weight chart provided in his health notes, and there is a line that he’s meant to be following if he develops normally. He started low, on the 9th percentile, lost weight after birth, as they do, but he’s meant to stay following that line as he gains weight.

His thyroid test and bilirubin levels are better but still aren’t right, but we aren’t really worried as he’s not showing any signs of not being well. We have to go back in 2 weeks for more tests.

In a year that we hopefully look to emigrate to Canada in the autumn, it is really terrifying that I will be going back to a Conservative government! AHHHHH!!!!! Perhaps we need to go to Holland or somewhere instead??

I actually got the ‘breaking news’ that Paul Martin had conceded defeat on BBC News 24 at 5am – so there was something positive about not getting any sleep last night, I was well informed!

I did vote, I have voted every time I could since I left, but despite my best efforts there was not an NDP win in Oshawa although Sid Ryan did come second again.

I’ve been unable to keep up much with federal politics lately and am not fully aware of all the scandals around the Paul Martin government – but I will look on with interest to see how Stephen Harper is going to impact the country – particularly with his neo-con very right wing leanings. I know he’s only got a minority but it’s still a bit scary. And it might also impact on whether or not I can find a job if they start destroying the social safety net…

Am I the only person in this country who isn’t on the edge of their seat watching the whale in the Thames? There is nothing else on tv at all. So instead, we went out for a walk in the sunshine.

At Ashridge, where the ground is nice and flat, the trees proliferate and the deer skulk in the background (and Mark wears unflattering clothing!!):

But the mud is the predominate feature and so the dog becomes half black lab/half golden:

All I can think of when I see this photo is : you look like a HOSER. Mark doesn’t understand.

On a completely unrelated note, I heard about this very interesting website the other day on the BBC. It’s a Surname Profiler, a university project where they have been mapping incidents of last names. My family might want a look – I’ve already plugged in Willer, Bowman and Fitton myself. They also provide comparative information about how common the names are in countries like the US and Canada.

Serves me right for speaking too soon – we topped up with formula last night just as we had the night before, and all of us (including the cat, even) were awake until 4am. But you know what – I am still relieved about him being able to sleep in his moses basket, and I am sleeping more soundly – meaning that I still feel there is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders since a few days ago when it all seemed so horrible. And perhaps that was all I needed, and maybe we’ll even stop topping up with formula. We’ll see.

I got a bit snap happy this afternoon…

Or I will punch you (future Russell Crowe/Chris Martin):

Oh my god – I love formula.

Last night was perfect – Oliver slept 12 to 3 and 4 to 7, and so did I. He slept in his basket without a peep, and I slept so soundly in our bed. This is fantastic – let it continue. In fact, I was so happy after the first stretch of sleep, I almost couldn’t go back to sleep at 4 cause I was so giddy. I can function if we can do this!!

Unfortunately today isn’t entirely pleasant though as we now need to get ready to go back to the hospital for more tests as his bilirubin levels are up and there might be something wrong with his thyroid…

I’m okay; we’re okay. I had another great supportive visit from the health visitor this morning, I am really lucky, I think, to have someone like her who is asking the right questions and isn’t pressuring me to do one thing or another. I’ve also had some good chats with my mum, and both her and the health visitor have given me two things I need to do – try topping him up with formula, so that we can continue to get the benefits of breastfeeding but also possibly get some more regular 3 or 4 hour stretches of sleep, and to make sure I get some time for myself without Oliver even being in the house. As in, Mark can take him out for a walk or a drive for a bit while I have some alone time.

In general I know that although I am having some low points, I am not suffering from anything clinical – it’s just all really overwhelming, there are still hormones all over the place, and I am oscillating between good moments and bad moments. There are lots of good moments – Oliver is not a fussy baby, he amuses us quite a bit, today is a pretty good day (not washed and dressed but I have had both lunch and breakfast!) and we both had some rest last night. I need to remember in the bad moments how many millions of other people have survived this time, including all my fine friends who have kids – and who managed to hide their struggles too well I think! I know now that I wasn’t prepared enough for this. Despite all the talk about sleepless nights, I don’t think I believed it all enough!

One additional thing that happened yesterday is that cot death was all over the television as there has been a huge increase in babies dying when their mothers fall asleep on the couch. I was already feeling bad enough about the co-sleeping, and this made me decide that I need to force myself to settle him in his basket. And I need to stop falling asleep while feeding him. So I tried very hard to do both last night, and ending up giving up at 3am before I threw myself out the window in desperate need for sleep – instead, we both slept very well beside each other for the next 7 hours with only 1 short feeding break in the middle. I think we had tired ourselves out as he just kept crying and crying everytime I put him in the basket. However, I am going to persevere with this – Mark is buying me a chair at Ikea today that I am going to do night feeds on, hoping that it will keep me awake a bit more, and hopefully if Oliver is full on some topped-up formula, he is going to sleep so soundly he won’t notice where he is. Yes this is probably wishful thinking, but I can dream…

So later today, when Mark gets home, we’ll go out and get some formula and I will try not to feel like a Bad Mother. The lovely health visitor told me that he will continue to get the breastfeeding benefits even if he just gets one feed a day that way, which was reassuring (though not my plan). This is the compromise option – I’m not being entirely selfish and packing it all in because I don’t like doing it, but I am being a bit selfish in that I am hoping we are both going to get some more sleep. Or at least longer stretches of the same sleep in one go.

He often adopts thinking pose when peaceful, or Egyptian mummy pose (arms across his chest):

This is why I should have waited until moving back to Canada to have kids – thank you to Sandy in Ottawa who just provided some really good sympathy over the phone, but I wish I had you and others all around in person. I think on reflection my biggest problem is that I have lots of support but it’s all very far away from me right now. And I am missing it.

Oliver cooperated and stayed asleep during the whole conversation – but he needs changing and a feed so off I go feeling better…