Things that I can’t say out loud or someone will call Social Services (well, I would, I’m meant to be a social worker, aren’t I?):

I don’t enjoy breastfeeding. I know it’s good for him, good for him, and I am not worried anymore that he’s not getting enough. I just am not feeling that ‘isn’t this lovely, we can bond and do this together’ feeling; instead, I resent being the only one that can stop him crying, and it’s just not fun or comfortable for me. I thought I was through the pain barrier already, but he’s hurting me a bit again. Also now I am really getting stressed out when we leave the house as I am dreading having to feed him in public. After trying this out for the first time last Friday, and doing my back in having to do it in stupid no-arm office chairs in unsanitary places, I just want to sit in the comfy chair at home with a pillow under him, the remote in one hand and a drink in the other, and not worry about exposing myself to strange people. When am I going to be able to have a life outside of being a cow again? Ever?

I’m really tired and I am getting worried that he is going to be smothered when I fall asleep with him in bed with me. This co-sleeping thing is good for my sanity right now, as I know he’s sleeping way more peacefully and longer than he would if he was in his basket – but I am not doing the proper thing and sleeping lightly beside him. For that 2 hour stretch he lets me sleep, I am dead to the world and I could easily kill him. I’ve woken up already with him pushing the duvet off his face (we have solved this problem now as I really was going to kill him if that continued), and last night we’d both fallen asleep while he was feeding and I woke up to find him squashed between my body and the pillow he’d been lying on. So when we find him suffocated and people try to tell me it’s not my fault, just remember this post.

Mark keeps asking me why I don’t look very happy, and telling me that he’s worried about me, and I don’t actually understand what I am meant to be happy about?

He keeps making plans to do things outside of the house (tonight: out in London, Thursday: medical in London, Sunday: flying, etc.) and all I can think is it’s nice for some…

Can I change my mind and go back to work now?

Today was the first trip to a pub, and despite my fears I’d end up feeding him in the car while everyone else ate a roast lunch, Oliver behaved and I got to eat. Mark’s dad and step-mum and their friends Jayne and Geoff came down for the afternoon. We also had Mark’s cousin Karen, her husband Alan and Katie (for a second meeting) over this morning.

Yesterday Mark’s friend and best man John came over with his girlfriend Jane. Needless to say we have even more gifts and clothing now, more than we could ever imagine getting – this boy is so kitted out with 3-6 month size clothing in particular I am never going to need to buy him anything. I also happily keep getting fun parcels in the post with even more stuff…

Friday was a minor disaster with too many things happening all at once – a midwife visit, a GP appointment (that got cancelled), a visit to the local village hall to assess its suitability for a belated 40th birthday party/naming ceremony (why today?), and a newborn screening hearing test. Then, throw in a visit back to the hospital where he was born to run tests to see why he’s still jaundiced – which ended up taking 4 hours due to the lack of availability of doctors, and both him and I were completely off our game that day. So much for routine.

You know what – I am really, really tired. *sigh*

and is currently around my middle in my sling. That was a wise purchase; I’ve just started using it and it means my hands are free to do things like actually manage to eat lunch or have a drink or water while he gets the body contact and warmth.

We had the very nice health visitor here for her first visit this morning – she ended up staying for an hour. She was great, actually. Very comprehensive, very reasurring. I’m finding the midwife visits to be slightly alarmist as she really doesn’t give me that much confidence in what we are doing. The health visitor also got me to talk through the birth (of what I can remember), was extremely supportive during the conversation, and suggested that we might like to give some feedback to the hospital. I will have to think about this. I still need to write down what happened for those of you who have asked me about it.

Yesterday was Oliver’s great grandma Grace’s (Mark’s mum’s mum) 94th birthday so we went around there for lunch.

Afterwards we stopped in to see great aunt Iris who has started babysitting her granddaughter Katie one day a week as Mark’s cousin Karen goes back to work part time. So it was the first meeting of the closest thing either of them has to a cousin, right now… Katie feels like she weighs 13 tonnes compared to him! She’s 9 months ahead and he has a lot of catching up to do…but at least there is some reassurance today that is he is gaining weight (thanks to the health visitor bringing her scales).

And in more good news, I weigh 2 stone less than I did when I went into labour. It would be really nice if while he went up I went down – but not if I keep eating the crap which I have been eating. We need to clear this house out of all the various nibbles and freezer meals that we bought for the birthday party and for keeping cooking easy during these strange days, and get back to something resembling vaguely healthy cooking. Next project.

So far, have not had to resort to bottle usage – we’ve had a few half decent nights. Well, I think they have been good nights – I’ve managed about 6 hours sleep, usually 3x 2 hour stretches or 2x 3 hour stretches. And I feel normal during the day as long as I can get that. Mark is getting more sleep than me, and is having to nap in the afternoons. Figures. I think I have relaxed a bit as I seem to be falling asleep while feeding him now, which is helping both of us sleep better I think.

We have used the dummie a couple of times – I really don’t appreciate having my nipple used as a chew toy, so when he just wants a good suck on something that isn’t food related, that works for a few minutes in the night.

I am, however, a little concerned that the jaundice is not getting any better – which the breastfeeding is meant to help with – and that the midwife yesterday didn’t sound entirely pleased with how much weight he has gained. So she is coming back on Friday to see him again. Normally at this point we’d be signed off from her and on to the health visitor.

So it might be that despite the fact he’s pooping a lot and is content after feeds that he isn’t getting enough from me. But we’ll see.

She also got us to make a GP appointment for him as she was also concerned about the colour of his cord (a bit red) but we’ve just gone and they aren’t that worried at the surgery. I’d been told to ignore it but the practice nurse wants me now to clean it with cooled boiled water and apply some vaseline. So we will.

I think he’s spending more time awake than he was, which is good – as long as I manage to keep him doing that in the daytime and not at 3am!

• It’s the last two episodes of the first series of Lost for us here in the UK this week. This is sad, and we won’t get series 2 until the summer (outrageous, actually), but at least tonight ER is starting again (and we always catch up quickly) and in a week or two series 2 of Desperate Housewives is back as well. I am doing A LOT of television watching right now, and besides those and Eastenders, it’s pretty dismal out there. And for some reason I am off watching movies. Maybe cause I lost my attention span in the last few months?
• I spoke to one of my staff today and had a fairly lengthy and coherent conversation about work. That was very strange. And I could feel a dormant part of my brain slowly chugging to life…then dying again…
• Because I am morbid, when we went to Hemel Hempstead yesterday, I got Mark to drive us back through the industrial estate where the Buncefield Depot exploded. As it happened after I left work for maternity leave, I never actually gauged what happened in person, and it was a familiar place as we had driven that way to work for 5 weeks once we moved to Bucks. It was awful – the destruction of some newly built buildings in particular, and cars still sitting there destroyed. You can’t really see much of the oil depot itself (well, it’s wrecked so why would you) but it really was like a bomb hit the place.

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Originally uploaded by emmabean.

The poor kid looks like Kenny from South Park – his hoodie the length of his whole body. I am really evil dressing him in stuff that is too big but what can you do when he is so tiny?!

Right now Mark and Oliver are downstairs watching a Bond movie. Apparently it starts early in this house.

We had another rough night last night, but him and I managed to sleep from 5:30 to 9:oo and from 10:00 to 12ish so I feel okay. I know we should be keeping him more awake during the day but I actually don’t understand how to accomplish this other than putting him into distress (making him cold and naked/withholding food/not picking him up when he wants it).

We went shopping this afternoon to Mothercare and purchased some items that we are going to try out that aren’t necessarily recommended at this time and many people will have many different opinions on whether or not we should be introducing such things as this stage but before I make a rash decision at 4:30am to pack it all in and switch to tummy filling formula, we are going to try pumping for extra night time bottles (and it means we can do it in shifts so we both don’t go mad), and I also got some dummies (a.k.a. soothers). He spent about a half hour sucking on my baby finger tip last night quite happily but it’s hard to keep my arm in the right place when I just want to go to sleep. Feel free to chastise me in the comments section. Yes it’s only been a week and we have many more sleepless nights to endure, but if we try out different things I think I will feel better the situation (even if it all doesn’t work).

Since yesterday or the day before, Oliver has been practising his smile. Yes I Know It’s Just Gas. But it’s like a preview of what his smile is going to look like and that is nice.

Sometimes we like the vibrating chair and sometimes we don’t…

I think the babymoon ended on Wednesday night (was it Wednesday? what day is it today?) when we had a terrible sleepless ordeal of feeding about once every 20 minutes and me unable to do anything to satisfy the bugger. So yesterday, Thursday, was a very grumpy tired and teary me. The days before that had been easy and full of quiet and fun trips out of the house. Now that seems like a bit much. However, last night was better and I am feeling human and normal again today. Somehow, though, today was the first day that I didn’t actually manage to get dressed. I did, however, have a fantastic bath at about 4pm with lavender and tea tree oil in it (Mark’s doctor trainee sister sent the lavender oil which was brilliant of her).

Despite the fact that both Mark and I are home and on our feet, and really don’t have much to do with Oliver except feed him/hold him/change him, it feels like there is loads to do and not much time to do it in. I don’t know where the days go. Right now, a week ago, I was experimenting with various forms of pain relief. In a few hours from now, he’ll be a week old.

Breastfeeding is having its up and downs but today (probably the sleep helps) I am feeling positive about it. I think I have gone through the pain barrier now (the kid has got suck) and we both know what positions work better than others.

I haven’t managed to get to the computer for a while so still loads of emails to answer – I will get there one day!

The dog is still trying to figure out what the small thing making noises in the moses basket/seat/our arms is, but one midwife that visited figured she was already being protective. All I know is that Piper is DYING to lick Oliver but I really can’t let her do that yet – there are enough other germs in this house to pick up on already before we get to the ripest dog saliva that I know of.

Still yellow, poor boy.

I gotta find a new name for this blog. Feel free to make suggestions…

Anyway…

Today was first proper bath at home. Result: screaming. Probably also something to do with the fact that the two people bathing him were sort of winging it and I think we put a bit too much water in the bath. But it’s all a learning curve.

Whose skinny legs are those? Certainly not from my side of the family!

Today was also first car ride adventure out of the house, to go to the local farm shop and a newsagents (had to get Heat and some chocolate). Result: contentment. I think the car seat is a winner as he feels all squished in.

Mark changed his first diaper ever today, and is getting more hands on than I thought he would immediately. Which is really nice. He’s being so fantastic about cleaning and cooking. I know I am meant to be resting, and I have been (although not napping when Oliver is sleeping which I am meant to be) but I am not bed bound or anything so I am trying to do bits and pieces. But with both of us here for at least the next 3 weeks, it’s good to be getting things done even if I am just watching while he does it!

We had a nice package of new clothes arrive very speedily from Grandma and Grandad Bowman in Canada, and gorgeous flowers from Great Grandma Bowman in Derby. The house is actually so full of flowers I can’t put them in a vase so luckily they came in water. I think we are going to have to start throwing some out…

I have LOADS of emails to answer so I am sorry I have not gotten to those but maybe tomorrow?

Midwife visit again tomorrow, they will weigh him to check how much he has lost (as they do) and do a blood test. He’s already had one at the hospital so despite the fact that they are giving me paperwork to reassure me a heel prick won’t kill him, I am perfectly fine with them drawing blood out of him. I watched a midwife do it twice on Sunday as she dropped the first vial!

Our very yellow son – wow you can really see the jaundice in the photos from today! It’s due to the giant bruise on his head from the ventouse machine (I’ll post a nicely edited version of the labour story at some point), and it’s nothing to worry about (he’s been tested and doesn’t need treatment) but it ain’t attractive!

Today we had lots and lots of visitors, mostly bearing gifts for Oliver and Mark, leftovers from his 40th that didn’t happen. The only new people he met were his great aunt Iris, and Mark’s stepdad Ron; everyone else had been to the hospital already and were coming as repeats.

Last night we had a giant roast turkey dinner and I ate for England (hmmm…or Canada?). After having no appetite for 9 months I actually managed to clean off 1.5 plates. And I had two glasses of Asti. And it was GOOD.

Was meant to have a midwife visit this morning but she didn’t turn up until 4pm and it was mostly a running one. She was, however, very good at pointing out the obvious. He won’t wake up for a regular feed? Well put him down on his basket or change him (he hates both of these). He’s just very content sleeping while being held, and with so many people holding him today, he’s just been sleeping. So silly me, I need to wake him up some more.

Bad Mother already – as he hates the moses basket, in order for both of us to get some sleep last night, he ended up sleeping beside me on the bed in various arrangements. I know this is not great but otherwise how will either of us sleep? I asked the midwife for suggestions but she just said ‘if I had a five pound note for everyone who asked me that…’

Mark gets paranoid everytime he makes a sound that is different than usual. Or shakes a bit. Or still looks yellow. So luckily his sister has just completed her obs & gynae rotation in her medical studies and is continuously prodding Oliver doing all the paeds checks that they do. I am not worried, but hey, if Mark feels better, whatever.

It was SO nice to sleep in my bed last night though. And no hip pain, no heartburn. I don’t miss being pregnant. I am so enjoying being able to bend over and put socks on, and hug Mark from the front.

Thank you to everyone for loads of lovely messages – emails, blog comments, phone calls, etc. We are feeling spoiled as he can’t appreciate it for himself.