There doesn’t seem to be anything going on worthy of writing about lately. So I don’t really know why I am putting fingers to keyboard now, but whatever…

Callum has been sick again, another cold that’s made him wheezy. He was scaring me a bit on the weekend, with a lot of sleeping and not a lot of eating, but he seems more like himself again now. He just keeps choking on his phlegm, which has been making him vomit up his milk or food, which is not really very nice. I never realized how lucky I was that Oliver never got sick until he was like a year old. There’s just nothing I can do for him except comfort him – saline nasal drops don’t seem to do much. And his inhalers aren’t working that well either as I think his wheeze is upper respiratory.

Oliver is lately obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba, which I used to think was cool, until I had to watch it 500 times in a row. And it’s only on Treehouse once or twice a week which means it’s the same episodes all the time that we are subjected to.

Tonight is his daycare spring concert and unlike last year, where none of the junior toddlers even participated in the show, I think we may actually get to see him sing with all his friends tonight. It will even feature a song in Spanish where they are all going to be dressed as butterflies. So he’s wearing fairy wings. Ha ha. Photos and video will be taken.

He’s also determined to spend every minute he can outside on the deck, particularly playing with a new water toy my mother got him, which is like little boats and trucks going around a water channel, and you’re meant to put sand in the middle where there’s crane. Also BUGS. He has discovered the joys of flies, spiders, lady bugs/birds, and other creepy crawlies. I am, of course, trying to instill fear of such creatures in him by telling him they will bite you and they are yucky. It’s not really working that well.

Mark and I were able to go out for dinner by ourselves on Saturday night as my mother stayed over and babysat. We had some coupons (I’m a coupon queen now) for various restaurants near us where 99% of the population is Italian, so the choice was Italian, Italian, Italian or Italian-Asian fusion. We ended up at a dive in a strip mall, a terrible looking place where we were the only customers save a birthday party for a bunch of teenagers. But the food was fantastic. Really, really delicious. Italian done very well.

But this coming weekend? This weekend is going to be interesting. I’m going on a road trip with my family, as in my parents and brother, to Kingston, about 3 hours east of here, to attend a dinner and function for my dad getting some big award for service to Scouts Canada (I won’t elaborate, but he’s very worthy). And Mark and Oliver and Callum are going to be hanging out by themselves for at least 24 hours. All I can think about is sleep. Getting sleep. Sleep with no interruptions. I mean, I’m not THAT sleep deprived right now; I’m not suffering through night feedings or children screaming or anything horrible at night. It just feels like the nights are too short, and I can’t seem to get more than 5 or 6 hours uninterrupted. But on Saturday night, I could go to bed at like 9pm and wake up at 9am. That sounds like the most joyous thing EVER.

Okay, I am calm. Normal service has resumed around here. We have resolved our plastics issues I think.

We are now using the Born Free plastic bottles successfully topped with Avent nipples/teats/whatever yucky word fits here.

I exchanged the 6 month + Born Free ones I bought yesterday for Born Free sippy cup tops and for a Born Free bottle brush made of foam, as the instructions indicated metal brushes could ruin the bottles. I am a little skeptical, but since I just spent so much money on them, I’ll listen for now.

It was important to me to keep using the Avent tops despite how clearly evil Phillips is as Callum is used to them, and I’ve also already bought their 6 month + ones so I didn’t want to deal with feeding issues and more expense. So despite other advice, Avent and Born Free ARE compatible. It was leaking a little last night, but I realized it was because I shook it to mix the formula without all the necessary bits in place (they have way more pieces than Avent ones).

I am no longer going to sterilize. I guess it’s not really necessary. I already washed them with hot soapy water; I was particularly interested in getting them clean when Callum kept getting sick. When Oliver got sick recently, he actually didn’t get it for the first time, so I can probably relax a bit. Also, everything is starting to go in his mouth, so there’s no point in protecting him from a few extra germs.

So without sterilizing, we can live with only 4 bottles, I think (my only concern would be our UK airplane trip in July, but it’s a lot shorter flying time than December, so we’ll probably be okay). Today I bought a glass jug to keep a heap of boiled water in, which means I can just boil water once a day and wash bottles as needed. Of course, the grocery store I bought the jug from had the Gerber el cheapo bottles in stock. Damn. I had already started using the Born Free ones. I did, however, manage to successfully return the last Avent bottle I just bought, despite already using it (yes I am full on evil to a giant corporation).

And it turns out that most of Oliver’s cups and sippy cups are not-so-evil less leaching plastic. So I’m not going to do anything about those. Can’t trust him with glass, NO WAY.

So we can now return to our regularly scheduled mummy guilt, minus some polycarbonate/BPA/number 7 evil plastics… (let’s see, I fed Oliver a McDonald’s cheeseburger last night, I started Callum on solids too early, I almost never use our cotton diapers, Callum’s high chair is absolutely FILTHY and I keep forgetting to clean it, I prefer life when Oliver is in daycare, and sometimes I just let Callum cry.)

Oh, Callum’s crying. Better go. (In a minute).

He’s fine. He’s getting to try on all the summer clothes I thought he was going to grow out of before he even saw them due to this extremely warm weather. It’s hazy out there. Isn’t global warming lovely?

Lady, did you just give me a PLASTIC teether?

Okay seriously my head is spinning with all this BPA crap.

I continued to research stuff online today. I decided on Born Free plastic bottles, then changed my mind when I saw how cheap Gerber’s BPA-free line was and thought I should get those. I am thinking we need wide neck bottles as that is what Callum is used to, what I am used to.

I discussed with Mark what he thought I should do; his preference was to go with glass. I didn’t feel great about this as I know how clumsy everyone around here is, I don’t like the idea of having them smash, but I do understand that it’s better than any kind of plastic.

Mark was going flying tonight, so I stuck both boys in the car and headed out to Babies R Us first. The one closest to us is the biggest in Canada, apparently, so I knew they would have a big selection of everything.

Except not so much as they have pulled all the ones declared unsafe leaving gaping holes in their shelves, and only had tall thin glass bottles left in stock.

We then tried a small baby boutique store on the other side of the parking lot, where the selection greatly increased. They had Born Free, Green to Grow and ThinkBaby as well as a couple more in stock. I had a discussion with a salesperson, who informed me that Born Free glass bottles now only came in 5oz size as the 9oz bottles were declared too heavy by parents. They had no other wide neck glass bottles in stock. She also insisted that Avent nipples wouldn’t fit any of the other brands.

So I’ve come home with 4 9oz plastic Born Free bottles and I did a little test and the Avent nipple did seem to fit. And I’m just about to really test it as Callum is waking up for the last feed of the night. More on this later (Maria, just for you really, who the hell else cares).

But what about sterilizing them? What about the Avent sterilizer – is it bad plastic or okay plastic or will it even melt this different plastic? What about the Avent dummies he uses? My head feels like it might explode and there aren’t actually any really clear answers on the internet.

Halp.

So yesterday I bought an extra tall Avent bottle for Callum. With Oliver, I had enough supplies with 4 shorts and 4 talls, and I’ve been using them again this time (except with new nipples of course). But I can’t keep up with number 2′s appetite, so I bought another tall one. Since then I have learned that…

(a) I’ve been measuring his formula wrong the whole time as the older bottles use UK fluid ounce gradations and of course the powder here is for US fluid ounce measurements. Oops. I’m a dolt.

(b) Health Canada is about to list bisphenol A as a dangerous substance, so if I keep using them, I could be the cause of Callum’s reduced fertility and other health concerns. But, since I used them with Oliver, should they BOTH not have the same disadvantage?! Okay, just kidding, Mark and I need to have a chat about this and look into the costs of replacing every bottle with safer alternatives. Also sippy cups. It’s not cheap. And yes, I’m cheap.

We went out for dinner last Thursday, to a place branding itself as the London Pub. On the menu was ‘Westminister Pirogies’. I literally felt rage rising up inside me when I read the spelling mistake, plus that’s just really not pub food, people. I was only calmed by the vintage London Underground posters, which then made me think that would be a cool thing to hang in our house.

Every day, we all watch out the window to see what is happening with our resident ducks and geese. Last year when we moved here, we had geese lay eggs on the island in our pond, only to have them smashed by a raccoon/coyote/something when the pond froze again in a late frost. This year, we’re not sure if it’s the same couple (Canada geese mate for life), but we’ve got them around again, nesting on the island. Hoping the babies are going to make it this year – would be really cool for Oliver to get to see. Oliver says good morning to them every day. The ducks all seem to be pursuing each other – too many males chasing after females, and their antics seem to piss off the geese. It’s kind of like watching Y&R except better, really.

Callum is 5 months old today. Thankfully, recently he’s been relatively worry free – no chest infections, no illness. I’m a little worried he’s about to get sick as Oliver has a horrible double ear infection, but so far, so good.

He’s shown no interest in rolling over from back to front or front to back yet. But he’s been very good at grabbing things for a long time. His hand movements are more and more deliberate. He likes to babble, more than I remember Oliver doing. And he’s very ticklish lately.

(He was watching Top Gear)

He has managed to go through about a year’s worth of Oliver’s old clothes in 5 months, an astounding feat. This of course ensures that we won’t be able to give him hand-me-downs much longer, as he’s going to be bigger than Oliver sooner than later, which is a pretty good trick when you’re a younger brother.

He loves pear and banana, likes apple and sweet potato, but doesn’t think that much of cereal. He’s sleeping pretty well from around 10:30pm until 6 or 7am, when he has a quick snack, and then he’s down again until 9 or so. Apparently he’s sleeping in this morning as it’s 9:45 and he’s not up yet!

The first couple of times he got sick, he just wanted to breastfeed and wasn’t bothered about the bottle. For some reason, the last time he got sick, he didn’t want to breastfeed and just wanted the bottle. I had a lot of difficulty maintaining the combination feeding during that time, so I made a decision to cut it out except for last thing at night and first thing in the morning. It’s working for both of us.

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Seem to have watched a lot of videos of kids singing on blogs lately. So Oliver is jumping on the bandwagon, with this greatest hits medley. And he’s addicted to YouTube/Google Video clips of Spiderman, the Chicken Dance, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the Wheels on the Bus, so now he can watch himself too.

[googlevideo=http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=572711830864245482&hl=en-CA]

I can’t stop thinking about Sadie and Jen and Stu, and grieving for their loss. Every time I pick up Callum, I think that Jen’s arms must be aching from not being able to hold her daughter. It’s just not fair.

It might seem weird that I can mourn so easily for a baby I never met, born to people that I have never met in person. First of all, I think, it could have easily been me, 2 years ago, with newborn Oliver so far away from my family. Also, since having children, such circumstances have become so much more acutely emotional; you can imagine the loss because you often fear it (e.g. is Callum just really peacefully sleeping or has something happened…) But mainly it’s because I’ve been following Jen’s story so closely; their move to the UK, experiencing life in London, knowing they wanted to have a child from comments she left on a post of mine, and then reading about her adventure through pregnancy and new parenthood. So we’ve never met, but we have conversed through comments and emails.

Overall I guess it’s kind of like following a story in a novel or in a film, and something abrupt and awful has just happened to the main character and you never saw it coming and it brings tears to your eyes. Except in this case, it’s real life, and it’s the most tragic thing.

Sadie was gorgeous, a big baby like Callum, so big she never looked like a newborn. And it always struck me how bonded Jen was with her from the beginning, how much love she obviously had for her. I didn’t experience that with Oliver; I felt like I was in shock and had a little post traumatic stress (from the birth) and it took me a while to bond with him.

This wasn’t how the story was supposed to go. I’m just desperately sad.

There are other blogs I read where the authors have experienced the loss of children. It’s always been a difficult subject to read about, their grief over such tragedy – it’s uncomfortable to face the inevitable ‘that could be me’ when you scan their words. Kate at sweet|salty has recently reminded me that we are all kind of walking the tightrope until something pushes you off and you too get to experience the depths of despair. I remember that one author speculated that some readers were there just to hear about their child’s death. That’s not me; the blogs I read, I’m there because these people know how to write. Because I want to keep hearing the story. Even if there are some really upsetting parts to it.

I don’t have a very interesting story right now. For me, this blog is my little outlet to complain, to ponder, to just talk to the universe I guess. I don’t expect a response from the universe. If I did it for the comments I wouldn’t keep doing it! But I find I feel more mentally healthy telling some kind of story to someone.

But I need to change the story a little bit. I’m going to resolve to stop whining so damn much about how I am struggling with parenthood right now. It’s kicking my butt, and I’m letting it. But you know what? So what. The tension that exists while trying to take care of a 5 month old and a 27 month old at the same time, feeling like I’ve lost myself in this misery, it’s petty stuff. Basically I’m not that great at being a mum right now (or maybe ever) and I just need to get over it. They are currently healthy, mostly happy and I’ll forgive myself eventually. I’ll go back to work in a few months and it won’t necessarily get easier, but it’ll be a different challenge that will at least include Mummy being able to talk to adults all day. I am a firm believer in quality of time spent together, not quantity.

So, Sadie, because of you, everyone who has read your mum’s blog post has hugged their children a little tighter, and thanked <insert higher power/the stars/whatever> that their babies are okay, but we despair that you are not. And the hundreds or perhaps thousands of people who now know what happened send their deepest condolences, and experience the sorrow too.

I was going to blog about some dumb crap, like thank god it’s 14 degrees, and I spent too much at the dollar store today because it sucks me in to buying stuff I wouldn’t even buy due it all being only one dollar, and whatever.

But first I did my blog trawl, my scan of my favourite reads. The funny mums, the expat Canadians, the odds and ends, and my favourite of all, the funny expat Canadian mums (yes it might be a specialized category, but there are a few!!). Off the top of my head, Lisa, Catwoman, Jen – I guess it’s my own bias of having Oliver in England that makes them especially interesting to me.

And then my heart broke. Jen’s Sadie, her perfect newborn girl, has died. How can this even be true? And I just can’t even imagine. I am so desperately sorry.

I can’t blog about dumb crap when in tears.

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Edited to add: okay, I now hate WordPress, I didn’t know this post was going to end up as another comment on her site, and I am sorry that is has – I have no business hijacking her comments. I’ll learn not to make a link like that.