I’m mired in a lot of uncertainty right now. For someone who likes to be organized and plans ahead, this isn’t the greatest place to be in. It’s not anything earth-shattering. It’s just a bunch of my maternity leave has ended and now I’m on vacation and I don’t know when the nanny is starting and it needs to be soon or I could get fired so please come and will we like her and will she like us and will the kids try to kill her and will the baby ever take a nap when I’m not here and will any of us survive the husband’s impending business trips that are supposed to happen every weekend until mid December and in there we have two kid birthdays to celebrate oh hell and will I actually be able to pay all my bills this month because I think probably not and on which date will I actually have a nervous breakdown. See, it’s silly stuff but it’s adding up.

My mat leave is technically over & now I'm on vacation for a bit. So where's my pina colada and cabana boy?

— Emma W (@emma_willer) October 17, 2012

I was supposed to be at work at the end of this week and the beginning of next, just to get my feet wet again before really returning. My mother was going to babysit. But she got sick, and then my parents are going away for two weeks (damn retirees with their damn traveling) and I don’t feel comfortable hiring a stranger for a temporary gig, so I’m not going in.

People keep giving me sympathetic tones about my maternity leave ending. What they don’t realize is that I’m actually very happy about it. Don’t get me wrong. This year has been great. And it’s been important for me to be here – timely for not just baby care, but for getting to know our new neighbourhood and the school and the other parents and the kids. But I love my job. I am looking forward to intellectual stimulation, the tap-tap-tapping on a keyboard as I problem solve, hot cups of coffee, a decent paycheque, my lovely colleagues, and  lunch uninterrupted except by email. I am needed as much there as I am at home. I’m not trying to have it all, but I do actually enjoy the juggle much of the time, even if I’m not always skilled at it.

So I’m at once wishing myself into my cubicle and not wanting to wish away these last few weekdays at home. I won’t miss the school pick ups when it’s cold and raining or bugging them to finally leave the school playground and get home. I will miss the warm baby snuggles. But those are fleeting, anyway, and my work is not.

Finances were getting so tight that I was going to sell my Blissdom Canada ticket for this coming weekend and instead hope to see everyone at dinner or something instead. I’d like to thank my new dishwasher for that depressing thought. But an opportunity came for a ticket by way of Fisher-Price and Mom Central Canada, and I’m really grateful for that. So I did get to sell my ticket, but I still get to attend. I’m so looking forward to seeing lovely friends, and the keynote speakers in particular. As ever, we have a group costume that is going to rock your socks off, so I hope to see some of you on Saturday night.  And if anything is going to get me through the next few days without shrieking at everyone, it’s that.

Okay, there might be some shrieking, anyway. But we’ll all survive in the end.

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